When you're feeling down...

It wasn't until I didn't get a chance to write in the communal journal in the Umbc rock garden that I realized how much I've needed to write, how much stuff I have on my mind.

I just brushed my teeth before settling down with my laptop to write this: after having kicked the habit of smoking for a month during the summer, I've somehow fallen back into having one or two a day: It's horribly unhealthy, but it helps with my stress on tons of levels. I wish I didn't have to hide the fact that I'm doing it again.

As I write this I'm wearing my ex-boyfriend Ted's hoodie. We were in love, and we used to promise each other that we would last forever; that it would never end. It ended, but we told each other that we would always be friends. That ended too, and I haven't talked to him since August. I think about him more than most people; I miss him, but I think he hates me.

Last night I ate too much for dinner, and it transported me back to when I had an eating disorder freshman summer. Four years have gone bye, and I'm still struggling not to relapse and to find the beauty in myself. It's nice when others tell me that it's there, but in the end it all comes down to me staring in a mirror and not seeing it.

A few days ago, my boyfriend went over to my house to get some stuff he had left in my room. I wasn't with him, and when he came back he innocently enough told me that my Dad and Brother, who I've always wanted to be close to but never have been, were sh*t talking me. I immediately felt like I was going to cry, and it's still on my mind.

On the bright side...

Umbc is a beautiful campus, if you know where to go: my favorite spots are the courtyard at Harbor, where there's always a lingering summer breeze and people are always hanging out at the tables, followed by the benches down by the library where the trees are large and there's a tiny lake full of koi fish.

My boyfriend is beautiful too, inside and out, and if I believed in God I think that I would thank him every day for bringing Jared into my life. As it is, I just count myself extremely lucky. <3

The schoolwork is easy enough, and I have no doubts that I'll keep my scholarship and go on in life to be successful.

I just hope that I go on to be happy.